over 2 years later

I had forgotten all about this group.  I am presently under 300lbs, just barely. I keep gaining and losing the same 9 lbs...there's always junk food readily available for free at my work.  I've been declining it and eating low carb instead.  It's 2L41am and I have only one eye open -- really!  Good night!

Stressing out

I've handed over my bank cards to my husband to help keep myself from going out to lunch on work days. But, I'm tellin' ya, I sit there, writing down every single kind of food I can think of in some maniacal list...sometimes I feel rather crazy.
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(no subject)

I weigh closer to 330 now. Yeah, I've been trying to lose, but it's not like a flat-out-die-hard effort. I mean when I was going up the scale, I was stuffing my face w/ candy all day every day and I get NO exercise and I eat at Taco Bell often. So, now that I have stopped using the vending machines at work (I was literally buying 4-6 candy bars daily) I figure the weight's gonna go down some on its own just from the cease-fire, if you will.

I was sexually abused as a kid. It was severe and over a period of many years with different family members. Disgusting as all that is, I think that's where my food thing came from. Like anyone, I just want comfort.

So, my healthier eating went out the window last week during an especially stressful few days. I think I am back on track now. Even so, I feel I can eat a candy without pulling my hair out about it for reasons mentioned above. I figure if I can reach my short-term goal of losing 25 lbs by Christmas while still eating candy and fast foods now & then, I am a happy camper.

I've never ever been one to agonize over having eaten. But I'd still say I'm ednos. This has been going on all my life.
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    blank blank

(no subject)

That icon is not my picture, but it might as well be. I've been obese from early childhood. I'm not blaming anyone, not even myself on this beginning. I was a tad sickly as a baby/toddler, so perhaps I was coddled and comforted with food. My first memory of a concern came when I was about four years old. I had been in a car accident with my aunt and when my Mom met us at the hospital, the doc told her I was fine, but not to feed me any breads for a time. Well, on the way home, we stopped for a donut. I had no real idea why the doc had advised against eating bread -- I thought it was about the accident. I was four :)

My first self-consciousness came when (again at age 4)Mom had given me a big slice of watermelon, pulled my little dress off me and stood me outside in the backyard (so I could eat without making a mess). She snapped a photo of me, round belly all shiny with watermelon juice. The whole family thought it was adorable, but one teasing uncle (by marriage!) said he would hang that picture in the bathroom to scare away the flies.
He had made no mention of me being fat, but I felt self-conscious. I've hated that picture ever since.

* 4th Grade - playing on the monkey bars, another kid asked me how much I weighed. I did not know, but
knew it was over normal, so I tried guessing at a normal weight for a kid my age (nine)
and I told him I weighed 70lbs. Looking back I think I might have already hit 100 lbs.

* Junior Hi - I was so lucky regarding fashion. Being a beach town, I could wear men's levis and Surfer
T-shirts. Surprisingly, I was seldom teased. While I would not say I was popular, I was well-liked and even considered 'cool'. I went on my first diet and went from 245lbs to 213lbs. My girlfriends were very supportive.

* High School- While I didn't diet much, I walked everywhere, so my weight stayed at about 215. For a period of three months, I moved to my grandparents house in a far-from-the-beach city and I lost 25 lbs out of sheer lonliness. Again, I was not teased in high school, but the time I was made me quit going to a particular class. (Thanks so much, mean girls!)

There's more in the middle I want to talk about, but I am pressed for time just now, soooo....

*Fast forward to now: I will be 45 next month and my weight is approx 340lbs. I am happily married (10 years, 3 kids) to a man whose weight went up with mine. We both have abdominal hernias! My DH (Darling Husband) is a full-time student (since the hernia wrecked his ability to do physical labor, his activity level dropped dramatically and his weight went way way up). Next year, we will move to which ever law school he chooses. I don't want to remain like I am. I know I will have more energy if I change. I want to lose 100 lbs before the move in 11 months. (This in no way is meant to make this community only about weight loss! Please share it all -- the Good, the Bad and the Ugly --and the Beautiful!!)

I'm out of time for now, but I will post again soon, to fill in the gaps and to expand upon the present and future! Be kind to yourself today.
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